When Our Values Clash: Understanding Internal Conflict
When most of us hear the word conflict, we picture arguments with other people, a disagreement at work, a tension in a relationship, or frustration in a team. But there’s another type of conflict that’s just as powerful, and often more exhausting: internal conflict.
Internal conflict happens when our own values sit opposite each other on the values circumplex. You don’t always notice it straight away, but it shows up as that feeling of being pulled in two directions at once. In certain situations, you’ll feel the tension of those values and have to make trade-offs in your decision-making. If you’ve ever found yourself torn between wanting to push forward with change and wanting to slow down and make sure the past is respected, you’ve probably felt this.
And of course, the other type of conflict is external, when your values clash with someone else’s. That’s when the sparks can really fly.
Openness to Change vs Conservation: A Common Workplace Tension
One of the most frequent clashes I see in organisations is between people who value Openness to Change and those who hold strong Conservation values.
- Openness to Change sounds soft, but these are the people who drive change. The catch? It has to be change they choose. If it’s imposed without room for input, they’ll dig their heels in just like anyone else.
- Conservation values, on the other hand, are about respecting what’s been done before. These people ask: Have we finished the last project? Have we learned from it? Have we shared the lessons? Do we have a solid plan?
You can see how this easily gets personal. The “change drivers” get frustrated that progress is being blocked. The “conservationists” feel like they’re being dragged into reckless change for change’s sake. Before long, labels start forming: You’re change resistant. You’re reckless. You never get on the bus.
Why Labels Make Conflict Worse
Our brains are energy-hungry, around 20% of our daily energy goes to thinking. To save effort, the brain loves shortcuts, and one of those shortcuts is labelling.
Labelling is useful when we look at a coffee cup and instantly know what to do with it. But it’s unhelpful when we label people: She’s change-resistant. He can’t adapt. You can’t teach an old dog new tricks. Once we stick a label on someone, it’s very hard to peel it off.
This is where understanding values changes the game. Instead of saying “they’re the problem”, we can step back and see that “this person has a different value need to me”. That shift depersonalises conflict. It stops being about me versus you, and becomes about how we meet both sets of needs.
From Conflict to Complementary Strengths
When teams (or couples) learn to see conflict through the values lens, something powerful happens. The very tension that once caused arguments can become a complementary strength.
I’ll give you a real example. A large resources company invested in building a values-based leadership culture. During a strategy meeting, a senior leader and one of his team clashed so strongly it got heated. At one point, the leader blurted out: “You’re either on the bus or in front of the bus!”
But then something shifted. The team member said, “I think you’re coming at this from Self-Direction, and I’m coming at this from Security.” The senior leader paused and admitted, “I think you’re right.”
The whole room exhaled. Suddenly it wasn’t you vs me. It was: Here’s the issue. Let’s look at it together.
Not only did that defuse the tension, but it had a ripple effect. The senior leader realised his upcoming town hall speech was written entirely from his own value lens, and would have completely missed the Conservation needs of much of his workforce. By reframing his message, he ensured it resonated widely instead of alienating people.
That’s the power of understanding values. It turns friction into fuel.
Final Thought
Internal conflict is unavoidable, our values will always pull us in different directions at times. External conflict is inevitable, we’re not wired the same as the people around us. But when we can see those clashes through the values lens, we move from labelling and frustration to understanding and collaboration.
Conflict doesn’t have to divide. With the right awareness, it can actually connect.
Want to talk more about how running a Personal Values workshop at your place will be useful? Let’s have a coffee and a chat first.